Guilt -v- Shame...

There comes a time in all of our lives that we experience both guilt and shame. But what is the difference and what do we need to understand about the two?

Let's start with Guilt.

Guilt is a way of telling us we're out of order. What we've done, thought, felt, acted out ... is not acceptable. It generally arrives with thoughts of, "That was a really stupid thing to say, do, think, be ...", "I was really insensitive there ...", "That was a really uncharitable thing to do ...". We feel guilty. Sometimes we do something about it, sometimes we don't. But it is generally a trigger with a huge signpost, directing us to righten a wrong, often with an apology. It provides us with awareness and an option to correct our behaviour in some way and repair what we have potentially broken. It is therefore, a helpful tool.

Shame.

Shame debilitates us. When we feel shame, we don't want to share what we've done or show how and who we are because we are falling down a rabbit hole of self-loathing and we neither want to be seen nor identified. Shame arrives with thoughts of, "I am horrible", "I don't deserve to be treated nicely", "I'm an idiot". There is no accessible or acceptable form of repair; no solution. Simply a statement of being and an identification as a person, rather than an action. It therefore disempowers, saps all available strength and leaves us feeling pain, hollowed out with nowhere to go and no respite. This can often lead to

despair, depression and worst case scenario, the ending of life. Shame is therefore a pernicious mental attack, which is dangerous and disabling.

Both of these words are linked in with the word vulnerability. Are you brave enough to be vulnerable? And with whom? Saying we were wrong is a brave thing to do. It takes great strength to put ourselves out there and be vulnerable because we often don't know, can't be certain, how it will be taken. Vulnerability takes great strength, great braveness (possibly more so with ourselves!) and an openness to be seen for who we are rather than for who we want others to see.

The next time you are addressing either yourself or another, pause for a moment, consider your words and ask what your intention is. Is it guilt or shame?