Grief - What's going on with us ...

We're all very different; we experience life in different ways at different times, and no two people will experience grief in exactly the same way. There are however, commonalities which we will recognise in ourselves and others and are worth being aware of.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross concluded there were five stages of loss:

• Denial

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Depression

• Acceptance

Do you find yourself recognising yourself in any of these? It's accepted that people don't tend to experience these in a linear format, there are no deadlines to grief and we can often get trapped in a cycle, circumnavigating any of these for a long period of time. We have individual journeys, learning and healing paths. As life continues to change and shape us, so does our grief. How many of us have just picked up the phone to text our loved one, to share something interesting or funny that has just happened, and then we remember that we can't. They're gone. That pain can hit like a fresh wound. We've forgotten, for that moment, that they are no longer with us. That in itself can bring guilt and shame.

As those of us who have lost people will know, it's possible we end up caring for others' needs who don't know how to address us, who avoid talking to us about our loved one because it feels uncomfortable and they don't know what to say, so we comfort them, focus on their needs whilst neglecting our own. The reality is in fact, the opportunity to talk about that person would be welcomed. It would be a way of keeping their memory alive and thus keeping them alive, with us. The energy it takes to simply survive is enormous therefore this extra caretaking of others is an exhausting way to live. Unfortunately it is however, a product of our society.

And have you noticed that in most of Western Society, death isn't particularly discussed? It's a taboo area of conversation and therefore people don't touch it, refer to it in whispers perhaps? Many organisations don't understand the impact of grief, therefore there is both a top-down and bottom-up expectation of a swift return to work, to carry on as though nothing has changed, whereas the whole world has changed and it will never be the same? And it's not just the loss of a loved one. It's the loss of dreams, hopes, a way of life, support, income, stability ... the list can be endless. Unfortunately, due to lack of education, colleagues can shame those in grief, expressing thoughts such as, "you should be over this by now" and to those who lose their partners, "Isn't it time you were dating again?". These comments can burrow deep, encourage withdrawal from society and create greater trauma.

If you are supporting someone suffering from the trauma of grief, please encourage discussion, encourage tears and laughter (a release valve!) and simply be. If you are the one suffering from grief, allow yourself to feel it for as long as it takes for you. It is in the depth of feeling, that healing begins its journey. And remember, grief is an indicator of the depth of love that was, and still is, alive.

#grief; #whyme; #loss; #pain